my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
