Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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