i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
