Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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