I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
