Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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