Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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