you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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