So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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