guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
