Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We are two peas in an std pod
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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