How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
