I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
