i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
