What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
