dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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