What did we do last night that was yellow?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
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Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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