She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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