My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
