clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
