I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
