I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
