I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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