There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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