I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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