dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
