My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
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question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
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The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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