i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
