She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
