You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
