after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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