Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
