Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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