i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
