The maid of honor just puked.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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