I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
