if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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