I faked an abortion last night.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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