I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
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Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
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I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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