I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
