So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
