I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize