I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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