Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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