my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
