Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
