Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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