Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
