Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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