Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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