Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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