I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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