My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
