I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
