I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
