I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
