the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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