Your mouth is God's brothel.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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