Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
