who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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