do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All the doctor said was why
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
